I’m doing some exercises as part of a class with Jen Gresham of Everyday Bright. One of the first things she does is help you to create a personal definition of success. Rather than thinking of it as an abstract concept that can be recognized but not defined (or a concrete concept that’s universal for everyone) she breaks it down into three factors:
Values + Self-Pride + Motivation
And then we go through exercises to figure out what each of those factors consist of. Her premise is that if you’re doing something that fulfills your definition of success–bazaam! You’re already successful! And if you’re not, it doesn’t matter how much money you’re making or what kind of car you drive; you’ll always feel like something’s missing.
Some of my discoveries were what I expected: I value creativity, curiosity, beauty, flow, compassion, trust, humor. Anyone who knows me would agree. I was a little less thrilled to realize how many of my sources of self-pride came from outside validation of my talents: good grades on writing assignments, purchase of my artwork, praise/recognition/appreciation from people I love, admire and respect. Many of my sources of external motivation are also tied up in that need for validation; I can’t stand the thought of those same people being disappointed in me. Po Bronson describes it as your “inner circle”, an imaginary dinner table that consists of all the people you want approval from.
I guess the first steps to interrupting a pattern are recognizing that you’re in it and not beating yourself up over it. I’m challenging myself this week to ask “Who is this for?” and “Why am I doing this?” more often. I can’t rewrite years of approval-seeking and second-guessing overnight, but maybe I can practice trusting my own judgment a little more. Maybe I can stop taking as much responsibility for other people’s feelings about me.
Are you a recovering overachiever/people-pleaser? What do you struggle to let go of?
